BAP! BAP! BAP!
(reprinted with permission from Uncommonplace Book Issue #1)
I been to the Walls and the Workhouse. The Workhouse - that's in Farmington - you don't
wanna go to the workhouse - that's just full of MoSOPs - I wasn't gettin in that jacket - didn't do the
check in - A bunch a butt pirates. Nope ain't going to Farmington. They pull boxers over your head and
BAP! BAP! BAP! I don't like child abusers cause they do it all the time. Do one crime and you might go
easy on the second crime - you know why cause the first crime didn't stick. I don't like MoSOPs I don't
like rapists. That's it. Why give em a job? There ain't no reason to. I would never hire em.
It's something that kinda shoulda never happened. Every time I turn around somebody wants to
get high and assault me for nothing. BAP! BAP! BAP! I don't bother people so much but they bother me
all the time it fires me up. I don't, I don't get in altercations with them I don't beat the hell outta them
or whatever I know they're all people don't know what they're talkin about but they like to. I got stuck
up in the Workhouse though. Had me up in Tenhouse -like Hannibal Lechter - padded room - turkey
loaf everyday turkey loaf - 16 months turkey loaf - puking green and purple - shitting green and purple
- goddam turkey loaf.
I been locked up 21 years of my life. I been robbin banks and got away with it. Some stuff I
don't like to put up with. Some stuff I used to do are fun I can't find em again. Like I used go get drunk
and high and have beautiful women around me when we were younger - kids going around drinkin and
smoking goin out the park around with all my buddies. Goin out to eat then goin frying some acid down
at the beach sittin on a towel and stuff. It'd be 12 o'clock at night when you look at the watch. Look at the
watch up like this. Then the sun's already up in the air and stuff. The whole night before that we were
tripping from about 8 o'clock that night on that acid just having fun with my brother and I kicked the
door up when we were out on the road on the side of the bush right over here and Ref said 'Why don't
you close that fuckin door Bucky?' So I grabbed the door and closed it. HaHaHa and I said I ain't closing it
again. Then we started Charley-horsing each other brawling each other and my cousin Darnell up front
started crying and my brother cried on acid that second time - that blotter - and we were driving on the
road and driving behind the bank in the parking lot and hit the bank parking lot wall. But it wasn't me
driving it was my buddy. He comes back the next week and he said 'you all got anymore Crown?' I said
'yeah I got some of that Crown right now - I'll kick your ass.' Broke his nose and I broke my neck and my
brother broke his arm right there in the winda. BAP! BAP! BAP!
All I ever did was get me some extra smoke - it made me heavier draggin my dollar and give me
some cotton for it. Usually but mainly sometimes they want something you got or know something you
did that you have that they want. It's a dangerous scene if you don't got your stuff. I was homeless a
couple months to get my SSI. You get to know the dollar menus. JJs burgers at Dollar Store MMM! MMM!
MMM! the best. The food up there is gross nasty food too- dog food mainly - cardboard mainly-
except for the chocolate milk -I do like chocolate milk - some chocolate milk comes right outta the cow
and goes right to the machine and goes right into the hose and right into a bucket - have you ever had
cream milked right outta the cow's tit? Those milky cows?
I'd escape by watchin TV. I love that one movie - you know the one - that one that says "Buck
buck buck buck buck buck Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! Bucky! Bucky!- Starman? Right? Starman. That's funny,
man. It's funny man. Those dolls get you goin , Hey Bucky! Bucky! That's my nickname, Bucky. I'm a
big doll wearer. Oh man, when I was little my friend had one of them Lester dolls - the mannequins.
My girlfriend had a mannequin when I was little - she was about 14 years old - naw about 12 years old-
when I was 5 so I dated her - cause my aunt wouldn't leave me alone for her being my girlfriend - kept
saying it so - ok well then dammit it is my girlfriend. Her name was Karen, I got back with her many
years later, whoa I really about cried every day when I couldn't be with her. Then I knocked her up and
told her to get the hell outta here with that shit - it wasn't mine - haha - if it was I got busy early, ya
know, so it happened. So then umm she said well, I can get back to ya we can go there and here and
there, then she got this real important cartel man to you know whatever and then finally when I had
enough he said 'fuck it, you can have her, man' and so I kept her. And Karen said 'Hey little Bucky' you
know she beat him with a hammer BAP! BAP! BAP! This dude came up to her mad at her and he took a
hammer and went BAM! BAM! BAM! And she turned around and WAP! WAP! Bumped her head when I
was in Mexico. They kept running up in her house and she said 'I ain't got no more dope ya fuckin'
freaks! Get outta here!' ha ha ha ha, yeah. So anyway, anyway long story short, she had that mannequin
and it scared the hell outta me, man. She'd make it talk and 'Hey Bucky! I'm gonna kill ya, I'm gonna kill
ya, I'm gonna get ya when you're sleeping!' It creeped me out, man. I was like 'Get it outta here! Get it
outta here! I'm not comin back over.'
But she peed me too much and I'd have an accident you know, and she'd always give me soup.
said 'you'd do the same thing what's the difference?' Anyway we'd go hide in the doghouse everywhere
her mom couldn't find us out there beating up the tan. She was hot. She was stark butt and tits, man.
She'd start unbutton her breasts and I'd take pictures of her. I'd go to take em home. My grandpa said
'Boy he is busy tonight, ain't he, my little.Bucky!' I dated her sister and broke her heart. Heh heh heh. I
said 'if you did my homework I might do something.' Then I graduate and they said 'How in the hell is
this kid so smart?' She got embarrassed her girlfriends kept teasin her cause I had an accident in my
pants, cause they kept feedin me soup and soup and soup and beans and beans, what you expect man?
When you're 5?
Anyway I really fell in love with her after about 3 months. After about 3 months she lived right
down the road from my grandma and she'd take me to church and everywhere else. Well her dad was
kinda rich, ya know and he still likes me to this day cause I'd fill his gas tank and help him work if I can or
ask about Karen, her brother Lee and Kevin like me and I let them ride my motorcycle and then Kevin
went into the bombers.
I'm trying to remember how cool I really used to be, cause when I was about 14, man
everybody, I was too slick for everybody, I'd go on and do my dad's dope, ha ha ha, and I'd go huntin, I'd
have an alibi, ask my mom for money, then I'd ask my dad for money, then I'd go to grandma's house,
I'd have more money. My grandma used to have mason jars of money when I was little, cause I was her
only, oldest grandson, I think I was, except for Clifford, he died, he hung himself in a barn, he was my
cousin. She had mason jars full of money and she used to give em to me for an allowance. And I'd tell
my Aunt Jo I couldn't count it, she'd take some out and say we're goin here and say, 'You're a midget,
Bucky, compared to me, I'm taller'n you. ' And I'd say 'Ok Jo should we go to the theater? Let's go to the
movie theater, and well, all her buddies'd get in the trunk of her car and-we'd go to the theater and
we'd drive in, they wouldn't check the trunk and we'd go in and get a screwdriver and pop the trunk and
they'd all get out like a bunch of Chihuahuas circus clowns. Back in the 80's they weren't really hip to that. They didn't
So I was at my aunt's house, and I was drinkin soda right, and I said Jo, this Thanksgiving I made
the turkey, I brung the fruit plate, I brung all the kids toys, I got em everthing there was, that time, cause
I'm Uncle Buck, I'd take footballs, baby dolls, yo yos for the boys, and stuff like that, and my aunt said
'You really did good this year, Buck.' She said 'Buck, the drinks are over here, the turkeys over here,
food is over here,' Oh man we had cheese, we had turkey. The second best Thanksgiving I had was at
church. My buddy took me to church. I had a couple dates with a church girl there. Then after I went to
church and everything, we had pumpkin pie, we had chocolate mousse pie, we had cherry pie, we had
turkey, we had chicken, we had hot wings, we had hot dogs, we had macaroni and cheese, we had green
bean casserole, we had marshmallows, it was a feast! I thought I was a king! I set there and ate for 4
hours I bet! Then we went outside and smoked 5 cigarettes. Then we came back in and popped 3
different kinds of fruity bubble gum -foot long bubble gum. Huh! I'm settin there, I said 'Hey dude! I'm
going to be sick! My teeth hurt so bad!' Cause I never brush em, I just brush em like this, and the
dentist told me you gotta brush the hell outta them. If you don't brush 'em real hard you won't get the
plaque off em and they'll hurt.
I got let go out of the Workhouse after about 190 days. Some of them cats are over there to a
place called the Workhouse in there on a 120 day shock but not me - that's tough - it's like boot camp.
It's like being in hell everyday. They said where you want your bus ticket to and I said Kansas City and
then they gave me my gate money - $400 - cause it hadn't cost nothin for a ticket to Kansas City and I
had a bunch of money left over And then she said, the lady at the window, she said 'You look good!'
and I said 'You just tellin me after 5 years?' and she said 'You know! You look good in street clothes.'
We were sittin on the bus waitin and Larry Keogh, my old cellie, said to the driver 'Can you drink on this
bus?' and the driver said 'Ok' and we went to the liquor store - there's a liquor store right across the
street when you come out - first thing you see is the liquor store - so we went to the liquor store and
got 2 40s and drank em in 15 minutes like this GLUG! GLUG! GLUG!
My brother and Tony Mahoney picked me up at the bus station and driving around in that old
Plymouth and right away Tony Mahoney said 'You wanna puff a fat one not like a pin in the pen' and I
look around - No CO, No cop, so I said 'Let's Smoke!' and they're driving crazy in that old Plymouth cop
car over the line and I said 'Hey quit driving so crazy!' Almost got hit by a truck, man. This truck come
skiddin outta the parking lot like this and I wasn't from here to the wall right there, man. That dude
come outta the gravel and went WOOOO! Like that! My brother took me to the ... I been 15 years
clean and sober since that no dope no liquor -I'm glad I got sobriety. I don't wanna use drugs again but
I could. It'd be real easy to do that but I don't think it wouldn't be the right thing to do cause nowadays
in society you CAN do that but usually only the minors can get away with that. I partied all the way up
to my 20's.
My brother took me - we went to my grandma's after that. Grandma's got a new man now, I call him grandpa, He told me a couple a jokes, I guess he's ok. But back then, that summer Grandpa was still around. We
spent the whole summer fishin, and BBQing and ridin ATVs. Grandpa was an old head and stubborn like
in that Trace Adkins song. We'd go fishin for channel catfish and just pull em in - you use chad to catch
the channel catfish Then the game warden walked up and he said 'What you boys doin over here?' and
Grandpa said 'Catchin spoonbill as big as turtles warden' and I said' I ain't got no dope or no booze,'
and the warden said 'Carry on,' That was the last time we went fishin cause the next week was when
Grandpa electrocuted himself in the bathtub with the toaster oven. The reason they called me Bucky was
cause my grandpa couldn't say Buckeye but he wanted to call me Buckeye and he was full blooded
Indian so he called me Bucky. He'd say 'Hey Bucky you going huntin?' I'd say 'Yeah.' And I'd throw
these acorns up in the air and he'd shoot em all outta the air patatatatatada! He'd hit ever one of em.
Right. I coulda spent my whole life at Grandma's house - coulda stayed pure. I'm about 45. Houses
motorcycle and cars are my hobbies.